The Cocoranist Holy Book, Chapter 2

One day, Corcoran looked down upon the world and said, “I hate this place” and swore genocide against the innocent people He created. So He found a good man called Douche and said unto him, “If you don’t want to die for no reason, build a boat and put some of My animals ‘pon’t, but not the ugly ones, because the Lord hates them.”

Next day Douche built a boat and put 2 of every animal on the boat, but not the ugly ones. Without the Lord knowing, horses also snuck on the boat.

Corcoran then poured many waters upon the Earth and killed all the people, and the people who went on their own boats were eaten by the Loch Ness Monster. His Godliness looked upon the monster and was pleased. The monster was granted the superpower of invisibility and went off on its way.

40 weeks later, Corcoran pulled the plug out of the ground and used gravity to make all the waters go away. Douche grounded the boat in York, where some of the buildings had survived and made his home there.

Douche was pleased with the world and had a piss up with Corcoran afterwards. But in the morning Douche annoyed the Lord, so He created hangovers.

Douche had many children and thus created a very incestuous race.

The Corcoranist Holy Book, Chapter 1

In the beginning there was nothingness, and then everything was there, completely explicably for no apparent reason. This is because The Almighty Corcoran did it. And He did it with His super duper magic hands that make the world.

On the first day He made the stars and the galaxies and put them up in the air with all the black that was empty. On the second day He ate some custard creams and diluted the seas from the salts of hell. On the third day he made the land that rose out of the sea like a sponge in the bath. On the fourth day He rested, and He rested all the way up until the ninth day, where He created evolution.

The first man on Earth evolved from a paper napkin in 1240AD, and his name was Keith. Corcoran was very pleased with his son upon the Earth and named him Napkinson* and evolved him a wife from a now-extinct species of watermelon, and called her Smithie.

One day, Keith was wandering about the marshland with Smithie on a chokelead when suddenly Corcoran boomed out of the sky, “Napkinson, go and eat the apple I told you not to eat.” So Keith went and ate an apple that he had both been told to eat and not to eat, upon which His Almighty Self screamed, “Ha! Caught you out! You ate the apple and now I will give you lots of bad traits and very ugly genitalia.” And so this was the story of why women are better than men.

*What kind of Holy book would be consistent?